My favorite thing lately is making lists. Making lists, and also revisiting old lists to see if anything might have gotten crossed out without even realizing it. Ben and I have two shared lists, 2020 fun and 2021 fun, recently we went through our notes to see how our expectations panned out–and that's how we decided to hike Mt. Baldy on a Friday morning. We made our way straight up, 3.3-miles long with 2,350 feet of elevation gain. The highest point of the San Gabriel mountain range! We took a nap shortly after summiting, and watched crows coast in the winds above us. We took switchback trails alongside a cliffs edge, stopping to look at it all. There wasn't much sound other than the wind, perfection. 11 miles without much training was definitely a humbling experience, woof!
Our bodies are amazing things, I feel so grateful when I stop and remind myself that this walking machine of my flesh is kind enough to carry my spirit around. I feel so grateful when I remember that we can do whatever we want, like decide to get out of town and climb up a mountain, why not.
Kaitlin just released her EP Huesa, and I am so proud of her and so grateful to have been able to have been a part of the process. She’s one of my people, someone who continues to see and support me throughout my making a mess of the creative’s life–I am so glad to have her in my circle.
These are some of my favorite photos I took in this weird year of 2021. Just us, out in nature, taking our time and feeling things out. Ended the night drinking mezcal. It was perfect.
What a wild kind of week it’s been, I feel like I’ve been floating in and out of different days, and they’ve all been feeling like different realms. Each sunset happens earlier and earlier, and I’ve been waking up earlier than ever lately. It’s been 90 degrees for the past three days, and it’s made me reckon with my total annoyance at being uncomfortable (which feels hilariously petty, I grew up with it staying hot even after the sun set, where’d my tolerance go). At any rate, I’ve been spending a lot of time at home and trying to not let the heat convince me that my only option is to be horizontal. Every time I get up and create movement, I gain momentum, and then, wouldn’t you know it, I feel better.
Jennie is a dear friend of mine, she’s wildly talented and makes all sorts of things. Her main project is MoonPi Jewelry, I have a few pieces of hers that I’ve worn for years and will wear for all the years to come. They make me feel sturdy and good. The things she makes can weather through real life, and my real life involves a lot of clanging around and being a little wild at times. Anyways! I got to photograph some of her work, it was nice to take my time and watch the light change, and see what pieces worked best where.
What’s funny is that the heat was convincing me of burdens, when really all it is a chance to play. I recently saw this Ram Das quote, every time I read it I feel it carries me a little bit higher, “You can do it like it’s a great weight on you, or you can do it like a dance.” Reframing things is funny. We can always make things lighter, grateful for that.
A day trip out to the desert! Did you know the first Del Taco is in Barstow? Today was full of surprises. We stood amongst million year old rock formations, nothing but the wind and sparse plant life surrounding us. Also learned about bear dogs??? An ancient animal that was discovered to have lived in this area along with three toed horses and camels. I have never felt so small and young amongst 16 million old rocks and sediment.
Sometimes its worth poking around the map to see what things are getting looked over. I’m always in favor for an excursion, felt good to get my brain jumbled and refreshed. What a relief, good things always left to be discovered.
I never swam in lakes growing up, or rivers, or oceans. I was very much stranded, but making entrances of my own into unknown waters. Nature was both my refuge but also the wild thing that kept me close to my home, Id get lost looking up in wonder and hurry my way back to soft warm lighting; my mother listening to her gospel radio in the background. Now Im stripping down into something more breathable any chance I get, I want to be in the water whenever it’s around. I look to get rocked by waves and lose it all for just a moment. There’s something about self baptisms in cold water that shake me awake again. I wouldn’t say Im doing it for any dogmatic reasons, but for whatever good things I continue to see, and am hoping to hold on to (I know they’re there, the good things, even when I am blind to everything but anxious miserable thoughts).
These photos are from our last trip up to Portland, nothing too deep about it. I was floating along, looking up, listening to old friends talking, listening to distant cars and pretending they were far off waves of the coast–I felt small, I took a deep breath and swam under the sun, shook myself off all while laughing wildly. It never gets old, what a relief.
9 days in Baja without any service, a lot of sand, everything to look at and enough time to feel it all. It’s a special thing to be unhurried in good company, the pause that comes in between it all feels welcomed and glad to be shared. Grateful.
Thinking on the idea of structures and creating containers for safe exploration, for discovery. A long time ago Sarah once said that “self discipline is a form of loving”, or something along those lines. Ive been meditating daily, journaling at night, and practicing breath. I’m doing anything that feels right. I’m leaving my schedule open for inspiration to call at me, last second, “get out here, the clouds are coming in and I think the rain is comin”
Over the summer Ben and I went up north to collect our new van. We were quick to fall in love with cold ocean breezes and morning fog– here’re some snaps from a trusty iphone.
some recent things I’ve written:
it’s nerve wracking for me to learn a new way to move my body, I’ve only been swimming in the ocean for 2 (generous) years
homeless ladies–and how when I see them my heart breaks in ways I’ve never really made peace with. How I hold my breath, and I’m about to be in petty, and then the regular woman who stands at the corner gas station stops right in front of the car while walking across the street. We look at each other twice and then she stuck her tongue out at me and started laughing; yeah goddess’s are everywhere, duh.
the sun cures just about everything, the sun also does not give a single fuck, the sun says find new ways to get creative with your creature comforts- I can now say that I’m willing to wait 4 hours to get to ocean water, salt is left on my shoulders and my hair dries quick. I am the the bravest and the most beautiful version of myself when I walk some yards out on the sand and then swim out far, I float on my back, I listen to the rocks tumble beneathe me–the wave pulls me back and forth.
long, hand-rolled, cigarettes made by your lover
“sa ta na ma”
These photos reminded me of a time from a bit ago. And initially I was going to write something else, but I feel like this is a little more special. Maybe special only to me, but I guess that’s what counts.
I had just began to really get to know Ben. We went to Ballona because he knew I’d appreciate it, and we drove til he found the spot he thought I’d like. We ended up walking a path, out onto a look out point, and I held up my camera steady in my hands and nervously took photos of someone who I was afraid to let love me. I’m not meaning to sound too dramatic about it, I just am being honest. I had bangs that were too short and we were looking over the railing watching the water ripple. Then we’re back in the truck and driving back and we both agree it would be awful to not watch the sunset. So we parked and walked down onto the beach, sat side by side, and watched the sunset. (It’s worth noting that I have seen more sunsets in the past few months than I can count) I remember feeling flighty and nervous. I remember talking too much and looking at someone who I could tell was listening very intently. I was being seen, and my brain was nothing but a deer in headlights and my eyes were trying to adjust.
So we still take walks, and escape to some weird and funny reality together where we’re seeing the same things and laughing quietly. Where I’m less flighty but still talk a lot.
These photos are from our most recent walk around the silver lake reservoir. But just for fun I’ll add a photo from balloon too.